A letter to my firstborn, not long before your baby brother arrives…

Dear Firstborn, First Baby-Love of my Life,

You don’t really know it yet, but our world is about to change drastically. I have been trying to prepare you – prepare us – for what lies ahead, but I know that we aren’t ever going to be really “ready” for this. As I write you this letter, I am 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Your baby brother will be joining us soon, and I’m so excited to meet him! However, I’m a little sad, too. Up until this point you have been my only baby. You have been this wonderful, all-consuming force. From the minute that I found out that I was pregnant with you, our world changed. Everything changed. I took three pregnancy tests to be sure, and that same day I drove to your dad’s office and had him meet me outside. I gave him a little gift (a small pack of pacifiers that said, “I love Daddy”) and told him our amazing, amazing news. We were both a little shocked, but truthfully could not have been happier. We were going to be parents. Sure, we had the doggies, Nova and Nebula, which you now love to chase and play with, but it was really still just about us. Now, everything, absolutely everything, became about YOU, and we hadn’t even met you yet!

On April 9th, 2015, at 5:42pm, we met face-to-face for the first time. After 3 ½ hours of pushing, you were finally here. “He’s REAL!” were the first words out of my mouth, as up until that point you had just been a dream. I had spent hours laying on the couch in the evenings watching my belly bump move back and forth, obsessed with all your rolls and turns and hiccups, but even then – I don’t know if I believed it fully. Here you were. Right here, laying on my chest, with your own little heartbeat and your own little hands – looking up at me. You looked so much like your daddy, but you have mama’s round eyes. I loved you instantly. I know that sounds cliché, and I know that sometimes it takes a while to fall in love, but not with you. You were so perfect, I had no choice but to love you. I won’t ever forget that moment. I won’t ever be the same. That is the day that Kristy became a mama.

Your first year was a blur, and amazing, and so, so challenging. You were such a happy baby. You can still make me laugh like nobody else. Sometimes, even when you were so tiny, we would giggle back and forth, over nothing, our own little secret jokes, and just hearing you laugh would make me laugh, too. You were very demanding on your mama. You were happiest when we were together, and you were really unhappy when we were apart (and so was I!) Mama tried to go back to work part-time when you were about 5 months old, but it didn’t last long. You refused to eat from a bottle, and Daddy would drive you up to see me, so we could be together. These feedings were shortened, and felt so rushed compared to the endless, lazy cuddles on the couch that we were used to. The job wasn’t that important, so one night mama just walked out and went home to see you. We were both delighted. We spent a lot of time together, especially that first year, rocking and cuddling and talking. Sometimes mama would read to you. I read, “The Wind in the Willows.” We liked to sing songs from our favorite TV Show, “Nashville,” and sometimes Mommy and Daddy would even duet like Scarlett and Gunnar.

You started walking at 10 months old, on Valentine’s Day! I knew you were brilliant. You continue to amaze me all the time. I spend a lot of energy keeping up with you these days. Today we went shopping, which we often do, and you didn’t want to sit, which you never do. You were running around the store, hiding in the clothes racks, and I was going a bit crazy trying to keep you safe and keep track of you. At almost 2 ½ you are so busy and so brave. You like to go “BIG jump” off of things, testing the limits of what you can do. You can climb everything. Earlier this week you were playing on the playground with a little 4-year-old girl, and you were climbing all the slides and all the structures, and she was playing right along with you. You were laughing so much. I cannot wait to see you run, laugh, and play with your little brother.

You see, you have a gift coming. Oh, how I love to give you surprises! I love your face when you’re excited, like Christmas morning, and you light up everything. I hope that you’re excited to meet your baby. A little brother is a wonderful thing. I have one, too, you know. He’s 30 now, but he was little once. This is why I am having you share a room with your new brother. I want you to have plenty of time to play together and eventually have late-night talks when you’re supposed to be sleeping. You see, a little brother is the best for having these. It might not feel like it right away, when the baby is crying or mama is holding the baby a lot, but this is going to be really, really fun. Just like when I met you for the first time, this baby is going to change us. You see, you get to be something else, something new, a big brother, and you’re going to be amazing! I cannot wait for you two to meet!

I love you so, so much! Sometimes I tell you that you’re my favorite, and I want you to know that it’s still true. I just have two favorites now.

All my love,

Mommy

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